Do Men and Women Communicate Differently?

Yes, men and women communicate differently. I've been online for almost 20 years. I don't remember what I was like before, but I do know that the online experience has changed me, radically. A lot of online spaces are male dominated. You don't get a lot of respect for pulling the “you hurt my feelings” routine. No one cares about your feelings. Suck it up and move on, or don't come back. For the most part, men don't spend a lot of time worried about their “tone,” and they're certainly not overly concerned with whether women think it's polite to disagree.

I've heard people put this kind of behavior down to a lack of civility that occurs when we aren't face to face, but my husband disagrees. Being an actual man, I take his word for it when he says that guys really are like that with each other when women aren't around.

I cut my internet teeth, and by association, my communication teeth on things like newsgroups, irc channels, and email lists. Even when they were predominately, or even exclusively, female groupings, those early online years were ruled by what I think of as male communication patterns. If you had something to say, you said it, and as long as no one started swearing or name-calling, it was all good.

Gradually, things began to change, though. As more and more women entered the internet without the experience of being called The Whore of Babylon on a newsgroup (true story), they expected people to treat them like they'd always been treated in real life. The definition of a flame war went from hysterically screaming invective to, “I don't like your tone,” and “If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.” It still catches me by surprise when I find myself in areas where people are more concerned with how you say something than the substance of what you're actually trying to say.

My own communication patterns may be permanently warped by the internet. I learned how to write and argue, taught by people who demanded that I stick to the facts of a matter and support my opinions. Any hurt feelings I may have developed in the process were my own to deal with. I find myself completely unprepared when I run into people who truly believe that it's a personal attack to disagree with someone's opinion. I've been shaped by my experiences online, and apparently, I argue like a man.