House Rules

I cook for 7 people, and I do it at least once a day. Since our family includes people with major food sensitivities, I make almost everything from scratch, including breads. I’ve never attempted to write out the list of kitchen rules, but everyone here knows they exist.

#1: Don’t piss off Mom. (No one delivers gluten-free pizza around here.)

#2: The kitchen sink belongs to the people working in the kitchen. (Wash your grease-covered hands elsewhere, and then clean out the sink. Remember rule #1.)

#3: Loiterers will be appropriated and given the title dogsbody. (Look it up.)

#3.5: Those convicted of loitering by the Court of Mom are stuck as dogsbody until Mom pardons them. (Sneaking off behind my back is bad and guaranteed to put you on the wrong side of rule #1.)

#4: The kitchen knives are sharp. (I mean debone-yourself-accidentally sharp. If you do something stupid with one of my knives, do not come to me for sympathy. You have been warned.)

#5: It is the job of the cook to taste the food for seasoning before it is served. (In short, keep your mitts off of it until it’s on the table. It looks bad when half of the meal is already gone before grandma gets through the door.)

For the health and comfort of all (rule #1), I’ve found it necessary to add the following non-kitchen rule.

#6: The tile floor is henceforth considered the only food-safe flooring in the house. (As I write this, there's a plate of pork chop bones on the coffee table in the living room. Maybe the words coffee and table confused you. Missing the family mealtime does not excuse you from eating at the dining table like the rest of the civilized savages.)